Question: How do you know if your “no” really means “no” or if it is just resistance? I thought resistance was the non-acceptance of “what is.” Aren’t I resisting when I say, “no” to something that I don’t want?
Answer: Resistance is the non acceptance of what is, however the ability to say a clean “no” comes from first accepting what is, then being able to recognize the choice that a good clean “no” offers.
If you go along with (say “yes”) to something you disagree with, that a form of dishonesty and often an attempt to manipulate the other person into behaving the way you want them to behave, i.e. to be happy instead of disappointed.
When your “no” lacks integrity is when your “no” is out of the need to punish, play games, or manipulate. In other words, saying no to someone who has asked you to work overtime just because she said “no” to you last time, when in fact you could use the money and have nothing better to do. In this instance your intention of saying “no” is to teach someone a lesson, rather than to honor your own needs. And, in fact you didn’t honor your needs, because in saying “no” you did not allow yourself to make the extra income you actually needed.
In contrast, if your “no” is a good clean “no” there will be no drama attached. So, you have to know when your “no” really means “no” and you do this by staying in integrity to your values.
You will have peace even when you are not completely happy with how others respond; your “no” will honor the highest and best for you.
Marlene Chism is a consultant, national speaker and author of Stop Workplace Drama (Wiley 2011). Marlene’s passion is developing wise leaders and helping people to discover, develop and deliver their gifts to the world.
Marlene’s message is spreading across the country at association meetings, corporate retreats, universities and other venues. If interested in exploring speaking or training opportunities please call 1.888.434.9085