In today’s climate of division, we’re forgetting what’s truly important for a fulfilling life: Relationships. Great professional relationships make work rewarding, and great personal relationships are foundational for happiness.
Unfortunately, our personal and professional relationships are breaking apart. We seem to care more about being right than doing the difficult inner work required to effectively manage the conflicts surrounding us.
Surely, you’ve noticed on social media, the moment a political or religious difference gets exposed, it’s not long before disagreements escalate into emotional reactions, followed by disrespect. What could be a conversation becomes a battlefield, and instead of seeking understanding, we choose sides and deepen the divide.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, consider making a new commitment: No matter how much you disagree, choose to stay grounded. Refuse to give into the temptation of unchecked emotion that leads to disrespect.
What’s required: Stop feeding the beast. Require more of yourself. Stop justifying disrespect. Anything said in disrespect doesn’t change minds anyway. Oh, but they started it? It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing positive or productive you can say when you’re dysregulated. Silence yourself and feel the bad feelings compelling you to lash out. No more talking if you have the urge to label, name-call, berate, or make fun of someone.
- Regulation before resolution. You can’t resolve conflict by blame, resentment, or intense anger. Calm yourself down if the topic is too hot to handle. Keep your hands away from your keyboard, and off of your smart device.
- Become a radical listener. Listen even when it’s difficult. Take a breath. Put your tongue on the roof of your mouth. Before you speak acknowledge their perspective. For example, “I didn’t know you felt that way.” Focus on truly hearing the other person instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.
- Get control of your executive brain. Feel the anger, but don’t disperse the energy. This requires regaining control of your thinking brain instead of reacting from the primal brain. Take a pause and calm down to get control of the executive function of the brain. Pause before pouncing.
- Stop feeding the beast. You may need a break from the news or social media. Get outside in nature. Focus on your blessings. Your impulses will begin to subside.
- Stay curious, not furious. Chances are, you’re making all kinds of assumptions and judgments. What if you just lightened up and approached disagreement with a mindset of learning rather than defensiveness?
- Elevate your standard. Make your choices based on who you are not on what everyone else is doing. Sure, you’ll be called self-righteous, but that’s OK. Set the standard. Be a leader not a follower.
- Let values guide your actions. Being clear about your values is greater than being clear about your argument. If you value kindness, let kindness be your guide. If you value safety, allow others to feel emotionally safe in your presence.
Conflict has never been the problem. The problem is and always has been mismanagement. We grossly mismanage conflict when we resort to disrespect to win an argument. The strongest relationships, both personally and professionally are not built on the absence of conflict, but on the power of respect in the midst of it.
On this Valentine’s Day, beyond the flowers and chocolates, consider the deeper gift you can offer to the people in your life: the assurance that even in disagreement, they will be treated with dignity.
