There are many types of difficult people: The eye rollers, the yellers, the high-conflict, the blamers, the overly critical and the unpleasant. (Maybe that’s why so many people prefer a hybrid workplace after-all.) It was a very long time ago, but I’ll admit I’ve had bosses who had no detectable people skills, and colleagues who were skilled at offering a painful jab at your most vulnerable moment. Some of the best lessons of my life have been from people I didn’t necessarily like. These people may be really competent at the technical aspects of their job, but they lack social skills, civility and finesse.
In my book, Stop Workplace Drama this person is referred to as the Persecutor, the upper left position on the Karpman Drama Triangle. Persecutors can teach us a lot if we are willing to learn. Here are four things you can learn from the bully, the sarcastic coworker, the rude boss, or any other type we describe as “difficult.”
1. You will learn what is unacceptable
Until you experience the pain of a rude comment, a public humiliation or a blindsided sarcastic jab, you may not even think much about how you want to be treated. The good thing about experiencing unwanted emotions is you get to claim what is totally unacceptable. The only problem is when you allow the behavior to continue, which leads to the second thing the difficult person, bully or persecutor can teach you.
2. You will learn where you need to speak up
If you are allowing the behavior to continue you need to ask some tough questions. Why do you let the bad behavior slide? Are you afraid of a fight? Were you taught in your family not to make waves? Generally we handle conflict the way we first learned to handle it in our family of origin. Personal growth is about healing the past and learning new ways to cope instead of using the excuse, “that’s not the way I was raised.” Get coaching if need be, but speak up you must.
3. You will understand what skills are missing
If you are not speaking up or not reporting the bad behavior, I have a hunch it’s because you don’t feel confident about the skills you need to avoid “taking the bait.” Perhaps you’ve tried speaking up before and what you get is “You’re just too sensitive,” or “I’m just teasing.” One of the skills you need is to release resistance and simply say, “Perhaps I am too sensitive; however I’m asking that you discontinue (the unwanted behavior). If you have learned some of the skills then it stands to reason the problem is how you see yourself, which leads to my fourth point.
4. You will learn about your identity
If you see yourself as helpless, that means you identify with the victim role on the triangle. In my book, Stop Workplace Drama, I talk about this in the fourth principle of “Reinvent and Realign.” The way you see yourself has everything to do with the way you lead, the way you respond to others and frankly the BS you allow in your relationships. Start seeing yourself as a powerful creator who is relationship oriented and that viewpoint alone will start to change your style of communication. Yep, that’s even without taking all the communication courses and learning about “I messages.”
If there is a bully, a sarcastic coworker, a rude boss, or a game player, look at that person as a wise sage who came into your life to teach you what you need to learn. Maybe you need to take a stand for yourself or support someone to find their own voice.
Points to Ponder
- Who triggers a drama response in me?
- What choices do I have about setting a boundary or speaking up?
- Why do I resist confronting the problem?
- What skills do I need to learn to effectively deal with the issue?
- Who could I ask for support?
- What kind of growth is possible for me and the other person?
To Your Success,
Marlene Chism
Article originally published on LinkedIn. Subscribe to The Marlene Chism LinkedIn Newsletter here.