Let’s face it—conflict isn’t fun. But the way leaders manage (or mismanage) conflict determines whether it becomes a catalyst for growth or a breeding ground for dysfunction. Most mismanagement isn’t intentional—it’s a mix of conditioning, confusion, and capacity gaps.
Here are seven common ways leaders mishandle conflict and what to do instead.
- Relying on coping mechanisms
When conflict surfaces, many leaders default to coping strategies rather than leadership strategies. These behaviors often include avoiding difficult conversations, appeasing others to keep the peace, or asserting control through aggression. While these tactics may provide short-term relief, they often create long-term dysfunction.
- Avoiding: “Maybe if I wait, this will resolve itself.”
- Appeasing: “Let’s just do it their way so we can move on.”
- Aggression: “I’m going to shut this down before it gets out of hand.”
These patterns stem from a lack of skill, low emotional regulation, or a culture that rewards harmony over honesty.
Take Julie, a well-meaning department head who prided herself on being the “peacemaker.” When two team members clashed repeatedly, she bent over backward to accommodate both—reshuffling duties, extending deadlines, and sidestepping feedback. Eventually, the high performer quit, and morale tanked. Julie realized too late that her version of peacekeeping was actually conflict-avoidance with a smile.
“Avoiding conflict doesn’t preserve peace—it postpones progress.”
What to do instead:
Build your capacity to stay grounded in discomfort. Develop the emotional muscle to engage rather than escape. Conflict isn’t the problem—it’s how you handle it that defines your leadership.
- Attachment to Identity
The three identities I talk about in From Conflict to Courage, include the Hands-Off Boss, the Heroic Fixer, or the Best Friend. These identities may be rooted in good intentions, but they often prevent honest conversations and fuel conflict through inaction or overreach.
- The Hands-Off Boss avoids micromanagement—but also avoids accountability.
- The Heroic Fixer swoops in to solve problems, disempowering the team.
- The Best Friend avoids hard truths to preserve personal harmony.
Marcus, a regional director, prided himself on being “one of the guys.” He resisted giving critical feedback because he didn’t want to seem harsh. When team performance dipped, he blamed external factors—until a senior leader had to point out the pattern. The cost of being liked was losing leadership credibility.
“When your leadership identity becomes more important than the mission, you’ve stopped leading and started performing.”
What to do instead:
Lead from principles, not personas. Detach from ego. Effective leadership often requires you to be disliked in the short term to be respected in the long term.
- Reorganizing Instead of Resolving
When conflict becomes uncomfortable, some leaders default to a quick structural fix—move people around, shift job titles, create a new reporting line. It gives the illusion of progress but often just rearranges the dysfunction.
Denise, a division VP, restructured her team three times in one year hoping the personality conflicts would disappear. Instead, resentment grew, productivity dipped, and new hires inherited old problems.
“Reorganizing is not a substitute for resolution. Structure won’t fix what conversation avoids.”
What to do instead:
Address the root issue before redesigning the org chart. Learn to differentiate between a structural problem and a leadership problem.
- Hiring Coaches as a Conflict Facade
Executive coaching can be powerful—when it’s aligned with real accountability. But when coaching is used as a “check-the-box” solution, it becomes a performance theater rather than a developmental tool.
After months of tension, a leader told me, “We’ve done everything—we even hired a coach for them!” But when I asked about follow-up, feedback loops, or internal dialogue? Silence. The coaching had become a smokescreen to avoid tough internal conversations.
“Coaching without accountability is just expensive avoidance.”
What to do instead:
Use coaching strategically. Set measurable goals, provide feedback internally, and stay engaged in the process. Development isn’t something you outsource—it’s something you steward.
- Allowing “Power of Attorney”
A subtle but destructive behavior in conflict-prone cultures is when leaders allow employees to speak on behalf of others. “They’re upset, but they don’t want to say anything,” becomes a normalized phrase. This dynamic creates triangulation, fuels drama, and keeps the real issues in the shadows.
One executive, trying to be helpful, often met privately with team members to “smooth things over.” But instead of resolution, it bred gossip and dependency. No one learned how to speak directly—and trust eroded.
“If people can’t speak for themselves, they’re not growing—and neither is your culture.”
What to do instead:
Refuse to play the middleman. Encourage direct communication. Coach your team to speak up, listen well, and stay in the room when it gets uncomfortable.
- Failing to Link Behavior to Performance
Too often, leaders separate what gets done from how it gets done. As a result, high performers who behave poorly are excused, and low performers who are “nice” get a pass. The result? Confusion, resentment, and a culture of double standards.
A tech manager once told me, “Yes, he’s abrasive, but he’s brilliant.” My response? “Then he can be brilliantly abrasive somewhere else.”
“What you allow becomes your culture—and that includes behavior.”
What to do instead:
Make behavior part of performance. Define what good looks like—not just in numbers, but in how people lead, communicate, and collaborate. Hold everyone to the same standard.
- Lacking Leadership Clarity
Conflict thrives in ambiguity. When roles, expectations, and decision rights are vague, people start guessing—and gossiping. Confusion fills the vacuum that clarity should have occupied.
At a healthcare system I worked with, managers were unsure who could approve time off, resolve complaints, or escalate concerns. The result? Delays, frustrations, and rising tension.
“If you’re unclear, don’t expect your team to be aligned.”
What to do instead:
Get radically clear. Define roles, articulate expectations, and establish what success looks like. The clearer you are, the more accountable your team can be.
Conclusion
Conflict doesn’t have to derail your leadership. In fact, it can deepen your influence, sharpen your clarity, and strengthen your culture. But only if you stop managing conflict from the sidelines and start engaging with skill, presence, and courage. We teach the skills you need in The Performance Coaching Model.
“Leadership clarity isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about creating the conditions where the right conversations can happen.”
