Last week we talked about anger and why it’s important to delay important conversations when you’re angry. I gave you tips on what not to do. And what to do instead. The second time you need to delay a conversation is when they’re overly emotional.
When they’re emotional
When it comes to managing conflict, timing is everything. Many leaders avoid conversations because they don’t want to be on the receiving end of someone’s anger or defensiveness. Others are afraid they might make someone cry. When they’re emotional, you aren’t going to be able to facilitate positive change.
What not to do: Don’t try to coach a dysregulated person; they can’t hear you. During difficult situations, if you see defensiveness, intense sadness, or anger, take a breath. Don’t take on their emotion, and don’t walk on eggshells. Recognize that their emotions, feelings and interpretations belong to them, not you. You don’t need to overcompensate; make promises you can’t keep or give insincere compliments to manipulate them. Don’t avoid having the conversation, simply delay it.
What to do
Stop coaching. Stop talking.
Acknowledge the emotion, for example, “You seem upset,” or “I’m sensing this is very difficult for you.” Wait until they say, “yes that’s right.” If the other person feels understood, they’re more likely to be receive what you have to say. If they still aren’t ready, suggest resuming the conversation after a small break, whether that break is five minutes or the next day. Promise the other that you’ll still have the conversation even though it’s temporarily delayed. This way they won’t use emotion as a tactic to influence you.
Next week we’ll wrap up the three-part series, so stay tuned.
Marlene Chism
